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We saw each other for a few years and then he said that he thought there may be more to it and he wanted us to get together with a psychiatric consultant to discuss and hopefully see what she says. So we all met up and it was that day that she finally gave me a name for the way i was feeling and she knew i was a normal person, i just wasnt coping with the mood swings.
So i left the Mental Health unit that day knowing i had to now get on with my life and find a way to work round this illness, I knew i would have it for the rest of my life and I knew that i was the only person who could learn to work with it. I could either let it take over my life or i could take charge of this illness!
The Psychiatrist knew of my history of an overdose and that i didnt want to take medication, one reason because i was scared of taking another overdose and another reason was that i am crap at taking meds anyway and i go days without taking them! I decided that the best way to learn to cope with this illness was to learn about the illness itself!
I have my bad days when i just want to die and my brain is full of suicidal thoughts, so i take a sleeping pill
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The highs? OMG they are the funniest thing sometimes! I can go and spend hundreds of pounds in seconds and if i run out of money then i borrow it from someone else, you dont think of the consequences, you dont ask yourself how your going to pay it back - you just do it! I am learning to control the spending and before i make an on the spot purchase i now phone Kimmy to tell her. Last year i phoned her to ask if i could book a trip to Disneyland Paris and she got excited and asked to come too. So it all got booked and as i was on benefits at the time, i had no idea how i was going to pay for it. it wasnt untill a month or two later that panic set in. Thankfully i got more hours at a new Superdrug store and was able to pay of my holiday :)
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There are so many down sides to the highs and lows though and when you come down from them, you
realise you have hurt people, thats something you can never take away! so my life is full of guilt and regret, but its who i am and its who i am learning to be. I have a short attention span and i start a project and never finish it, something i am learning to do is force myself to finish a job. This weekend we have to paint the garden and i am dreading the fact it will be half done!
I am Vicky and i am a cycothymia survivier
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