When i was Diagnosed with Cyclothymia it was almost a refief! I finally had a name to the depressive moments i was having followed by the manic moments. I had been going to a psychiatrist since my breakdown and pyschotic moments is was having following the birth of Tilly. IT had got to the point where i realised its ACTUALLY wrong to threaten to kill innocent strangers!
We saw each other for a few years and then he said that he thought there may be more to it and he wanted us to get together with a psychiatric consultant to discuss and hopefully see what she says. So we all met up and it was that day that she finally gave me a name for the way i was feeling and she knew i was a normal person, i just wasnt coping with the mood swings.
So i left the Mental Health unit that day knowing i had to now get on with my life and find a way to work round this illness, I knew i would have it for the rest of my life and I knew that i was the only person who could learn to work with it. I could either let it take over my life or i could take charge of this illness!
The Psychiatrist knew of my history of an overdose and that i didnt want to take medication, one reason because i was scared of taking another overdose and another reason was that i am crap at taking meds anyway and i go days without taking them! I decided that the best way to learn to cope with this illness was to learn about the illness itself!
I have my bad days when i just want to die and my brain is full of suicidal thoughts, so i take a sleeping pill
and i got to bed for a few days. Then i wake up and its as if nothing has happened - i have slept the feeling off! Of course it means that i have to rely on other people to help with 'tilly and unfortunatly Kimmy normally ends up with the brunt of it. But thank god for her Psychology degree as she seems to take it in her stride and get on with it. Yes i feel bad because when i hit a downer it affects loads of peoples lives and nobody knows what to say to me, they are walking on egg shells but i find it easier to just disappear in my own world for a few days and nobody ever knows whats happened. but for days later i am exhausted and it really does take it out of you. So the next time i am quiet for a few days - you know why!
The highs? OMG they are the funniest thing sometimes! I can go and spend hundreds of pounds in seconds and if i run out of money then i borrow it from someone else, you dont think of the consequences, you dont ask yourself how your going to pay it back - you just do it! I am learning to control the spending and before i make an on the spot purchase i now phone Kimmy to tell her. Last year i phoned her to ask if i could book a trip to Disneyland Paris and she got excited and asked to come too. So it all got booked and as i was on benefits at the time, i had no idea how i was going to pay for it. it wasnt untill a month or two later that panic set in. Thankfully i got more hours at a new Superdrug store and was able to pay of my holiday :)
When i am on a high, i just tell people i am buzzing, I look at people and think they are stupid because they talk too slow, when infact i am the one talking too fast or too loud. They are talking normally but i lose patients with them mas they are not at the same speed as me! Then there are the slow walking people - OMG dont get me started on them, i have to weave around them as it feels like i am on Fast Forward and everyone else is slow. When i am 'buzzing' my brain wont shut down, I now have an ideas book that i actually take everywhere, i write down the ideas and then i can remember them for later when i have calmed down. Although i can never read the writing later as its written so fast and looks like a spider scrawl! People may take the piss out of my ideas book but some of my best blog posts came from there! When i am on a high, i sleep for about 2 hours a night, my mind is so active but my body so tired. Then i can get up and do a full shift at work without feeling tired. When i am on a high, i like everyone to giggle with me, i want everyone to get into trouble with me, i yearn to be naughty! This is the Vicky that people seem to like lol.
There are so many down sides to the highs and lows though and when you come down from them, you
realise you have hurt people, thats something you can never take away! so my life is full of guilt and regret, but its who i am and its who i am learning to be. I have a short attention span and i start a project and never finish it, something i am learning to do is force myself to finish a job. This weekend we have to paint the garden and i am dreading the fact it will be half done!
I am Vicky and i am a cycothymia survivier
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