Oh Man! i have never been so glad to see a friday!!
This week has been a tough one as i have been a bit under the weather - when i say 'under the weather' I mean I have been fighting a Bipolar Downer for the most of the week. Sometimes I try and cope with them and when I wasn't working I was able to take myself off to my bedroom for a day or two and sleep until it was over, But having a job means you cant do that, you have to learn to find other ways to cope with it - and to be honest this week I haven't.
We are busy at work at the moment as we have someone off sick and a member or staff or two have left recently. I do try and do extra hours at work but I also have to remember that I have a little girl at home that needs her mummy. So I do what I can and I even Left Home at 4am to travel to work for a 6am start yesterday, afterall its easier to put stock out in a shop with no customers asking for help all the time or having to stop every few minutes to go to a till to serve. Of course I don't mind the customers asking for help as thats why I am there - I am there to assist them.
This week Has been incredibly hard because even though I want to sit in a corner and cry, I have to put on that famous fake smile and smile my way through the day. Everytime I smile, I feel fake, I feel like it isnt the real me, and if you ask any of my friends they will tell you that I hate fake people. Yet here I am myself being a fake person that I hate, adding to the bad feelings I have already and It drops me into a lower feeling of despair.
Although I am surrounded by friends, I find myself lonely. I find myself trying to fight my demons alone. Afterall who can understand the things I cant understand myself - and its happening to me! Being on a downer is incredibly exhausting and all you want to do is curl up and sleep. Its hard and tiring trying to be the person you arent for a week, afterall its still sociably unacceptable to be depressed in the outside world. Its socially unacceptable when someone asks you how you are and you reach deep down and pull out that fake smile, and reply with 'hey i'm fine' because God forbid you say 'Well actually, I feel like I want to punch you' or 'Actually, I am struggling today with this awful urge to kill myself' (I never felt this low, over the past week - thankfully). Some people don't understand depression and think your just having a bad day, they dismiss it and say 'oh you will feel better tomorrow'. Next time someone says they are fine, and you think they are not - Don't dismiss it, they could be making a cry for help. My family walk around on egg shells when I hit a downer and it isn't fair on them, especially as Tilly is only 4 and doesn't understand - she just see's and angry mummy
This week I did the worst thing and isolated myself from my friends, I thought nobody cared and they do, But sometimes you just cant see through the haze of sadness your feeling. Of course I am surrounded by loads of friends - but you still feel like the loneliest person in the world.
Winter is worse for depression, so Please if you know someone with mental health problems, give them a a little extra support and look out for the signs that they may be feeling down. Look out for the fake smile and the 'i'm fine' reply to your questions.
Samaritans 08457 90 90 90
Mind 0300 123 3393