Saturday, 21 March 2015

The Curse of Bipolar And Where It Leaves Me Today!

Coping with Mild Bipolar isn't as easy as it may sound, I am so proud to have spent the last couple of years coping with it without medication and recently it got to the point where I really wasn't coping with anything in life. I was struggling to get up in the morning, I couldn't cope with the most easiest of tasks without bursting in to tears and Sadly something (or a few things) had to give! So i took time away from the blog, cut down my hours at work and went to see the doctor.

That was just over three weeks ago and here I am on a Saturday afternoon,  finally opening the laptop after a big break.

Having to go to the Doctor made me feel like a big failure in life, I felt cheated that I had to go and get some help and I felt like I had been defeated having to rely on Anti - depressants again. The doctor listened to me, I cried and was sent away with a script for the meds without being offered any counselling. For the first time in a long time I felt absolutely lost, destroyed and alone. Its hard for someone to understand how you feel unless they have experienced it too. The way I was feeling, I drove people away and then accused them of not having any compassion for me. You feel like you don't want anyone around, yet you accuse your friends of neglecting you after you have pushed them away.

After visiting the Doctor, I knew I had to rebuild friendships with people. I am so lucky to have the friends I have as they do understand how I feel and they are patient with me. I feel so bad as I know I have hurt some of them, and that destroys me even more. I was so worried about going on to medication as I didn't want it to take any of my personality away. I didn't want it to take the Manic-ness away (as I secretly love it), yet I knew I needed something to get me through. So here I am Prozaced up to the eyeballs, and I know I have actually made the right decision. Taking time away from my blog was the right thing to do too, after all in the depths of depression - i dread to think what I may of written!

I have started to feel confident and happy again, Although deep down I know its the medication that is helping and I do have a long way to go. But when I was at work last week one of my colleagues said how nice it was to hear me laugh again, and I have started to giggle at the slightest things. I know I will get over this little blip and I know that I wasn't a failure going to the doctor, It took guts to go to the doctor and anyone who goes to the doctor needs a pat on the back as they have recognised the problem and they are facing it head on.

Next time you ask a friend how they are feeling and they smile and say there OK, look a bit deeper as a smile hides so much of how they might be feeling. When a person with depression smiles, its because they are hiding behind that smile, they are hiding the pain they are feeling and they are hiding the tears, anguish and pain they are hiding.

Things seem to be looking up again now, so onward and upwards from here!

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