Monday, 4 May 2015

Dear Pregnant Daughter ............ An Open Letter To A Mum-To-Be

Dear Pregnant Daughter

Of course we all enjoyed the coverage at the weekend of the new royal baby, The way The Duchess Of Cambridge left hospital looking radiant, glamourous and energetic. But please dont be disillusioned as this really isn't 'normal' for a mother who has just had a baby!

She left the hospital within ten hours of giving birth and I expect your thinking ' This will be a breeze' But let me tell you a few home truths. After you have had a baby you don't even want to get out of bed for the first ten hours, Let alone get up have a makeover and face the world before leaving the hospital in a glam dress and stilettos.

The truth of the matter is that it feels like you have just pooped out a giant watermelon and you have the worst case of piles. Your beautifully straightened hair is now a wavy mess, getting in your eyes and feels greasy due to the sweat you had to endure whilst squeezing this 9lb 12oz baby (i refer to your brother) out of your little vagina (it will never be the same again) and you feel so proud that you did it so pain free but in reality its because you didn't ask for the epidural in time and no amount of begging and refusing to push will change the midwives decision.

That birth plan you made went totally out of the window because lets face it, who can make a birth plan, when you have never done it before? Your stitches feel swollen and your too sore to sit up, so you lay in bed, cooing over your new arrival.  You try and get some sleep after the all night labour you have endured and the Bounty Lady with her camera marches into the room, thinking she owns the rights to all the babies on the maternity ward. All you want to do is sleep and tell her to Fuck off! but you don't because you want your bag of freebies, afterall isn't that the reason for having the baby? '

You have decided to breast feed your baby which is good, because you have saved yourself alot of hassle from the 'breast is best police', but just try and keep your eyes open as your breastfeeding! you feel yourself drifting off but are soon woken up with the baby trying to latch on again!

You finally need a wee, you have been putting it off since you had your baby, you know its going to sting like hell and you sit on the loo with your toes curled, then when you have finished you pop in your giant new mum maternity pad that is so big and uncomfortable that you will never moan about wearing Always Ultra with wings again.

You waddle back to bed with your vagina still on fire and settle down for the night. So you close your eyes and within seconds you find out you have the noisiest baby on the maternity ward! After a while, the midwives take pity on you and wheel the baby down to the nursery. This feels like your first failure as a mum, but it isnt. Your body has just given birth to another human being (sometimes i still wonder if your little sister is human) and your Vagina has been ripped apart and put back together again. You should be proud of yourself and make the most of the little sleep you will get that first night (sleep on your side, its less painful).

The following morning your baby is sleeping and you try to creep out of the door to go for a shower but your baby has a built in motion detector and as soon as you move it wails! So you feed her, burp her and change her before putting her back in the fish tank of a crib. That shower feels amazing, like its the first shower you have ever had and only then do you start to feel human again!

Back in your room, you keep repeating your babies name as it sounds odd and you question whether you chose the right name, Should you change it? then you think of all the monogrammed blankets that family have bought and you quickly dismiss the name change idea, Anyway your sure she will grow into it.

When it comes to leaving the hospital (they have a one in, one out policy it seems) you want to wear your jogging bottoms and a\ sloppy top, you feet are still swollen and you cant bear the thought of wearing shoes so you leave wearing bunny slippers and carry about 12 bags as you really didn't know what to take to hospital, and you wanted to take things 'just in case'.

You run a brush through your hair and leave the hospital with your partner and new baby, hoping nobody you know see's you as your a mess!

So dont be disillusioned by things you see on tv, Its not real and underneath that smile you just know she wanted the worlds media to piss off and leave her alone so she can get in the car and sit on her icepack to cool herself down!

Love From Mum

P.s wait untill you try and get around the supermarket with a newborn and the world thinks they have a right to peek in your pram stopping you in every aisle and all you want to do is go home. A 10 minute supermarket trip turns into 45 minutes!

1 comment:

  1. hahaha! This is brilliant and so true to how it happens....Love it x


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