Friday, 25 September 2015

The Unmotherley Mother

So in a couple of weeks I will be flying of to a country that I have never been to before. I am taking a ‘girlie’ trip abroad to celebrate a friends birthday. I have been away with these friends before on themed weekends to Butlins and we have planned many holidays in our head, but In my 23 years of being a parent I have never had a girlie holiday abroad or even a holiday aboard on my own.  So as I check my things to take away with me .....

Passport – Check
Currency – booked and ready to collect at the airport
Airport lounge booked  - courtesy of
Holiday Insurance  - covered by
Suitcase packed –well half done, I will probably repack 20 times before I go.
Flight details – left with Kimmy.
Apron strings cut – Oh Bugger! !!

When I booked the holiday after Christmas last year, It seemed like a good idea, I talked about it at lengths with Kimmy to completely make sure that she was happy for me to go, before ~I actually took the plunge. I had been saying for years that I would go to Turkey with Lin, but it never really happened.
So somehow i found the money to pay for the trip, and it was booked. I still had doubts in my mind as to leaving Tilly for two weeks after all, what kind of mother goes abroad and leaves her little kid at home??? The more I thought about it the more I realised I might of made a mistake.  ‘Don’t worry’ Everyone said ‘You can Skype her’ or ‘there’s always Facebook chat’ ‘you can chat to her everyday’ But then I thought, when I go to Butlins for a weekend with friends, Tilly is the last thing I actually think of – Yes I dare to become myself again for a few days. I find ME again and I go out, get drunk, fall down, get lost finding my way back to the chalet, find an all night random party, then go to bed. When I wake up the next day all I want to do is go back to sleep, so contacting Tilly is often the last thing on my mind – After all, I am being Vicky!

Does this make me a bad parent? I am sure some will judge and say yes, But the fact is I go away for this kind of weekend once a year and I drink all night and sleep all day, get up to mischief and we have a giggle. BUT the fact is I let my wild side out when I am away from my child, I choose not to behave like this when I am at home, as its not behaviour that I want her to see.
Now getting back to Turkey, I thought that going there would be like just taking a weekend to Bognor – How wrong could I be? I am worrying about everything.

What If I don’t leave enough money, What if something breaks down when I am away, What if Tilly has an accident and I am not there to support Kimmy, What if they run out of food whilst I am away – They will starve to death. Why am I going on holiday when I should be going with my child? All of this is going through my mind and I am worrying about silly things. I know they will have enough money, I know Kimmy is quite capable of going shopping and I know damn well that Kimmy is first aid trained. But being a mum means you never stop worrying, Whether your kids are 5 or 23!

Since I booked the holiday I never knew that the family dynamics would change so much and have such an impact on Tilly. I never knew back then that Tilly would have her heart broken by someone close to her and I never knew how much that would push her closer to me, making her clingy. She cries when I go to work – how will she cope when I am away for two weeks?  I never knew that the nightmares she seems to have every other night and the sleepwalking would upset her.

So what is a girl to do? Do I go and leave Kimmy and Tilly to fend for themselves or do I stay?  I need to find ME again, but I need to be there with my family too. I know there are people reading this and judging – lets face it, people always judge others, Whether they realise it or not.  But I am Vicky, and sometimes I need to be me. I am a mummy too, something I love doing more than life itself. Sometimes though we all need a bit of time out and afterall, two weeks isn't a long time out of my kids lives, Is it?

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