Tuesday, 9 October 2018

An Invitation To Walk In My Shoes #worldpostday

As part of the month of #Blogtober, we are invited to write about a certain subject each week. Today it is to celebrate World Post Day, but my blog post is different, because we never send invitations through the post these days, my post is an invitation to everyone.

People often say try walking a mile in my shoes then you'll see how difficult things are but I'm saying even before you put the shoes on you will encounter my life. People actually seem to think I've got my s*** together when it couldn't be any more different from the truth. I know from the outside it looks like I have a perfect life perfect family perfect lifestyle but the truth is I don't. You need to look a little bit deeper than what's on the top level. So I am going to invite you to talk a walk around my head.

I have bipolar and my brain just won't switch off so I come out with all these mad ideas that don't make sense to other people but in my head they make sense so I end up thinking people are not so clever because they don't understand what seems so simple in my mind bipolar and I don't take medication for it because I believe in learning to live with an illness or ailments rather then try and hide it. of course, if I've got a headache I'll take a paracetamol if I've got period pain I'll take an ibuprofen but with mental health it's different. I don't want to be dragged up and not know what I'm doing from day today I want a clear head even though it's like a rollercoaster with the ups and downs that I feel. 

When I'm hyper my thoughts in my head go 10 to the dozen and I feel woozy as if I'm drunk yeah I haven't had alcohol. When I'm in a hyper mood I am nice to everybody I want to get everywhere at a speed I will run rather than walk. My thoughts seem to make sense and everything seems a good idea at the time but afterwards, when I look at the chaos I've caused I realise that actually, things didn't make sense to anyone else. I talk too fast when I'm feeling hyper and I get over excited at everything I laugh at things that are maybe inappropriate to be laughing about and I flirt like nobody's ever flirted before. When I'm in a mood like this people say that it's nice to see me in such a good mood and to see me happy but it's always a struggle because I know when I feel like this I have to come down sometimes and when I come down it's often with a thud. 

When I am depressed I can feel suicidal I can sit in a corner and cry and I can turn in the to the b**** from hell. I've become spiteful and almost childlike in the way I strop around. I pushed my friends away without even realising that I'm doing it but then they say that you push the people away that are closest to you. when I'm feeling depressed and down there really does seem no way out of the black that I can see there seems to be no way up and you're just being dragged further and further down into the Deep depression that is engulfing you. Luckily I don't feel like that too much but when it does it's always a shock.

My life is far from perfect I'm up to my eyeballs in debt I would love to settle down and meet someone I could spend the rest of my life with but then I get Hyper and all I want is someone to have fun with. So I can't actually ever see myself settling down with anyone because I yearn for the fun yet need the stability of somebody sensible.

As you read this blog post, I am in Turkey for two weeks off parenting and two weeks of falling down drunk, having holiday sex with men and sleeping hangovers off in the sun. That's the reality of my life. 

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