Friday, 16 November 2018

How Depression Can Eat You Up!

The past 7 days have been hard work, I've struggled to get through the days and tried my hardest not to cry. The past 7 days have been absolutely crap. Nothing I seem to do, is pleasing anyone and all I seem to do is everything wrong.

You know what? I'm tired! I'm tired of depression, I'm tired of faking the smiles and I'm tired of helping out and being nice to ungrateful bastards. I just want to take time out from the world and just be in my own company but that would never work because so many people rely on me. 
Of course I know I'm not the only person to ever feel like this and I know that many of my friends suffer from depression. So that stops me saying "hang on, I need a bit of help here too." Trying to stay strong and act as if nothing has happened is one of the hardest challenges that I face on an day to day basis. I want to scream at people and shake them, I want to tell them that they are wrong in what they are doing or saying. Sometimes I want to rip their heads off too but I know that wouldn't be the right thing to do. 

I don't know what people think of me, do they think I'm making a mountain from a mole hill? Do they think I'm using mental health as an excuse? Perhaps they think that I am faking it to get out of a bad situation. Who knows what goes through people's heads. 

This week has been hard, I'm so bloody stressed with Christmas coming up and not being able to afford it this year. Stressed with work and stressed with the lack of work as a self employed person. I know everyone is short of money at christmas, even businesses but it doesntake my life easier. 

This week has made me feel incredibly sad. Sad because I know that it's another Christmas without Beth and Daisy. Sad because my birthday is next week and I barely have any family to celebrate it with and sad because it's coming up to the nine year anniversary since my own mother walked out of my life.

This week I asked for help a few times and nobody gave. This week I reached out to people and nobody was there to take my hand and say everything was okay. This week, I have wanted to walk away from life and run, run far away and not look back. 

I feel so broken, so unrepairable and so fragile, but I have learned the art of faking it, and I put that smile on my face and try to carry on as normal .Someone once said to me that it was amazing how quickly I can look broken hearted, yet as soon as someone approaches me, I smile and help them out. It's a skill I have perfected over the years. 

I am broken but I battle depression every single day of my life. I am strong for being able to fight, I know that I should be proud of myself for that. But depression can be a killer, depression creeps up on you and it engulfs you with hate for others, so much self-hate and a veil of black just surrounds you where ever you go. Depression makes you feel worthless and unhappy. Depression is hard to see in people because they are experts at lying to you. 

Yesterday I actually gave up fighting the depression, yesterday it completely took over me. I felt like I was failing myself and people made me feel like I was failing them too.  Yesterday I felt like giving it all up. Yesterday the depression won, but it may have won the battle - but it hasn't won the war. 

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