Wednesday, 6 February 2019

Grief And Thinking Of Your Own Mortality

When someone dies, it hits you hard. When someone dies and they are the same age as you and you have known them since you went to school together, it seems to hit you even harder. 46 years old, that's how old we are, people shouldn't die at that age.

It makes you question your own mortality and has made me wonder if I was selfish for wanting a child at the age of 37. If I was to die at 46, then Tilly would have no parents to look after her. She would, of course, have her older siblings who would drop everything to care for her, but it's not the same as having a mum. Maybe I was too old for another child, I never really thought about the fact that I might not be around when she grows up. Then there is the pressure it puts on Kim, who would take Tilly (still can't get used to calling her Matilda yet) on if I was to die.

Yesterday I felt numb when I heard the news of the friend passing away. We had a kind of love/hate relationship but that was because we were both so alike as each other sometimes. But over the past few years, we were consistently part of each other life, even if it was through social media. We went to boarding school in Germany because our dads were in the British army, and kids of the armed forces have an unbreakable bond. We might not be in each other lives 24/7 but if one of us needed help. all of the other would be there in the skip of a heartbeat. It's the army brat way of life, like a secret club that only exclusive people can join. But like I said, it creates an unbreakable bond - We experienced things that kids of our age had never experienced and my childhood was so very different to other people of my age.

If anything would happen to me, I have no will in place, no money for a funeral and no idea of what life would be like for my kids. I know the older ones would put their life and grief on hold for the sake of Tilly and I know she will never be short of love, they will guide her through life the same way that I am doing so now. When I first had Tilly, I worried that I would be the oldest mum in the school playground because I will be 50 when she goes to secondary school. When I was a kid, 50 was so old and I remember feeling sorry for a kid I went to school with when I was Tilly's age and her mum was over 50, but she looked old too. But nowadays it's more common to see older parents in the school playground, because of second marriages etc. Sometimes Tilly says I am old, but I take it with a pinch of salt. I might be old but I try my damn hardest to keep up with her.

All night I was worried about the time I have left with Tilly and wondering if I should home ed her? It means we don't have to stick to the rules of the school and I can teach her so much more than she will ever learn in a classroom. I thought about the trip to Turkey and Greece that I have just booked her for term time and that if I home ed her, then she could experience so much more of the world with me and we could create so many memories. But was that just the grief talking? Do I really want to pull her out of school for my own selfish reasons and isolate her from her friends?

Grief is a horrible thing to have to deal with whatever age you are, you're never ready to deal with it. As for me, the conclusion I have come to is that now is the time to live life to the full. I am going to experience as much as I can with my kids and my friends because you don't know what's around the corner, do you? 

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