Saturday, 2 February 2019

My Sad Vulnerable Child

This week, after we had such a lovely weekend away I was feeling really happy. I know Matilda was too. BUT then history came back to smack us in the face like it is always going to do for the rest of our lives. Kim came to me on Wednesday to say that Matilda had been a bit upset when she collected her from school on Tuesday. She went on to say that they had been having a lesson and they were asked to talk openly about things that made them sad and worried them. This is a good lesson at school because it teaches them to be open with their feelings and it is a great time for a teacher to pick up on anything that could be happening to a child at home.

Only Matilda felt that she couldn't say anything in the classroom because she was scared to say that she was worried that I would die and she was worried that she would never see her sister again and that what happened to her sister, might happen to her too. But she had felt that she couldn't say it in the classroom so she said that she was sad about not going on holiday with me this year and that she was sad her brother's cat died. A group of people laughed at what she said and it upset her. I guess it seems self-entitled to be sad that you're not going on holiday with your mum this year when most kids don't get a holiday but it was the first thing she could think of on the spot.

So I spoke to Matilda and said that she should never be scared to talk about what's on her mind and she can always talk to the teacher on his own. She asked me if Kim had told me what they had talked about and I explained that sometimes secrets need to be shared if someone is upset or in trouble and that Kim felt I should know about this. She smiled at me and it seemed to open the door to make her want to talk to me too. She said she didn't want to worry me. I'm sure she has it in her head that I am some kind of fragile being but I have had to put up with so much over the years that it makes you stronger.

She asked me some questions about what had happened to Beth and I always try to answer them honestly without scaring her or using the word 'paedophile'. I'm trying to protect her whilst being honest with her. She asked me why her sister can't see that Nathan Green is a bad person. I told her that he tells her that he is innocent so she believes it.
I said  'If I tell you that you're ugly over and over again, what do you think?' 
She replied 'I'm ugly?' 
So I said 'If I keep saying 'you're really pretty?'
She smiled and said 'That I am beautiful'
So I said ' So Nathan keeps saying he is innocent and she believes him because he says it to her so much' 

She smiled at me and I could see she understood it. It was the only way I could describe brainwashing and I must admit that I actually impressed myself with how grown up I was having this conversation with her. There is going to be a time when she is older that she will get to know the real truth and I am dreading that day because all the past years, she has had an innocence about the situation and she doesn't know the truth of what happened and how it devastated my family. For now, we have created a safe place for her to go to at school with a member of staff, a person she can go to when she is upset and worried. A person who has worked at the school since the older children went there years ago. So I know she has somewhere to turn. But just as I think she is getting back to some kind of normal, something like this rears its ugly head. Of course, now she has a new teacher, one that doesn't know what happened to her family so maybe he didn't know how fragile she can be sometimes.

I hate that my kid has these worries, its more than any 8 years old should ever have to worry about. One day we will see justice done, it's just a matter of time. One day we will get our Bethy back and one day my grandchild will come and find us. I live for these days and even though Matilda also worries about me dying, she can be assured I am not going anywhere until everything is back in its proper place!

Even though we are a family that had a child taken away and groomed by a paedophile, I still believe in letting Tilly use social media under my control. I will not let her be scared of the internet, I will not let her think it's going to happen to her. She has her own Instagram account that is on my phone and completely managed by me. She doesn't have the passwords to her accounts and I am responsible for the uploading of pictures.

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