Friday, 8 March 2019

An Open Letter To My Mother Who Isn't A Grandparent

Dear Mother

It's been nearly 9 and a half years since you chose to walk away from me and my little family. 9 and a half years since you had a kind word to say about me and 9 years since I welcomed Matilda into my life. So when you walked past me on Thursday, whilst staring at me it made me realise just how much you have missed out on my little girl's life. Little did you know, I was in the supermarket to buy birthday supplies for Matildas 9th birthday, another birthday you have not acknowledged or cared for. That's 9 long years that you have missed out on milestones and magical moments. I have no idea why you could hold so much hate for a child, someone to be like this really must have a heart of stone.

From the moment that I told you that I was pregnant, you were cold towards me. I have no idea why, because a child is a miracle, something that binds a family together. When I lost her twin in pregnancy, you didn't care and told me it was for the best and when I nearly lost her at 19 weeks pregnant, you didn't even visit me in the hospital or help out when Zach needed to go to A&E - you told me I needed to sort it out myself. I had some kind of fairy tale thought that mothers were supposed to be supportive of their daughters, that they were supposed to protect them, whether they were 7 or 37. Silly me for getting it wrong!

You never acknowledged my pregnancy apart from calling her ''that baby'' and the last straw came on my birthday when you told me not to talk about 'that baby', that was the moment that I finally had the nerve to stand up to you. I knew I was in this on my own and I didn't need the negativity in my life. But I will never understand how you can harbour so much hate for an innocent child even before she was born. You stopped being part of my older kids life too, and they had not done anything to hurt you. You had always been so horrible to the kids, you would tell my son how he was ''as stupid as his father''. Why would you say something like that to a child? More than that, why would I have let you say it for so long before I walked away from your cold-hearted hate.

As for my daughter, you have missed out on so much by not being part of her life. She knows who you are, she knows you are my mum but she also knows that you are not her Nanny. You see people stepped in to be her grandparents. Being a grandparent is not a right that you are entitled to, it's something that you earn. Matilda has the most wonderful grandparents that she shares with her second cousins. They are wonderful for sharing their Nanny and Grandad as are my cousins who share their mum and dad with me. They are the ones who encourage Matilda, the ones who hug and kiss her and they are the ones who actually acknowledge her existence. At my son's wedding, you spoke about 10 words to her. That's the most you have said to her in her whole life!

Recently Matilda asked me if she could call my friend Lin, Nanny. I love that she has chosen her own grandparents because they say you can't choose your family, but luckily Matilda has been able to and I think she has made the most beautiful choices she could. Lin has been there from the start, from before she was born. Matilda has made a good choice in her grandparents, she hasn't missed out on not having grandparents in her life, she doesn't actually need you to be a grandparent to her - she has plenty of her own, thank you very much.

My daughter is a strong, positive little girl and we don't need you in her life. You chose to walk away and you can stay away. There was a time that I was scared to not have you in my life, those few weeks after you walked away was hard. But now I know you did the right thing in walking away because there is so much less negativity in my life. Matilda is surrounded in love and positivity in her life and there is no room for hate or nastiness.

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