How 2022 Saw Me Fail My Child

Last Updated on: 1st January 2023, 11:48 am

I sat here for ages looking at the blank screen not knowing how much of the last year to share. Knowing that this isn’t the first time I have failed one of my kids. If you know me personally you will know how my daughter was groomed and disappeared from our life. That was one of the first times I felt like I had failed my family. My brain was full of what if’s and whether I could have done anything better to get her away from the paedophile that ruined our life. These days I know it wasn’t me who failed. But this year I did fail my child, Tilly. You would think I was used to it now, but each time any of my children are hurting I just feel like a shit mum.

We Had Cancelled Holidays

The year started okay, We had some cancelled holidays to look forward to in the year. And it was a relief that they were already paid for, we just needed to pack our bags. We were determined that 2022 was going to be good year. And it seemed to be okay to start with. We went out to The Netherlands for Zozos birthday. The first one we could celebrate properly since Covid began. But then we caught Covid, and we couldn’t come home. So we had to extend our visit by another week. Luckily the school was also closed due to teachers having Covid.

2022 was the year of catch-up. The year that we celebrated everyone’s birthdays that had been put on hold for 2 years. Tilly and I celebrated these together. It was great to go away for nights again, it was almost as if Covid was over and had never happened. But Covid is still here and it is getting worse again throughout the winter. 2022 was also the year that everyone because selfish bastards again. The whole ethos of going through this together had long gone. And in its place came greed, ignorance, and selfishness. People forgot how to cover their mouths when they coughed and then of course Covid was spread even quicker.

How Could I Fail My Child When She Needed Me?

2022 was also the year that my beautiful strong, independent daughter started to self-harm. I didn’t even notice. What kind of crap mother does that make me? I found out a few days before my 50th birthday. The school rang and told me what she had done. She had taken a knife and cut from the inside of her wrist up to the inside of her elbow. I was absolutely shell shocked, I had no idea how I could have missed this. She must have been in so much pain that she felt she had no other way to turn.

When I asked her why she didn’t tell me how upset she was, she told me that she didn’t want to ruin my birthday. Even though she was in so much pain, she still put everyone else before her. There is a reason for her problems but unfortunatly I can’t go into it at the moment to keep Tilly’s privacy.

When I look back, I can see the pain in her eyes from the photos of our trip to Turkey. But in the moment, I didn’t notice. I was so preoccupied in making sure she was having a good holiday, that I missed her pain. I should have noticed the cuts on her arms, but it was winter and she wore long sleeves. The cuts weren’t deep and they will heal.

As for her mental health healing, she now sees a therapist once a week. Her therapist is a positive thinking and well being therapist. So she is learning to live in the now and manage her feelings. She is so much happier for talking it out with her therapist and we are doing little wellbeing exercises at home.

Looking To The Future And NOT Fail My Child

Tilly has had medical help too and although she was diagnosed with severe anxiety and mild depression, we need to look to the future. I will give her all of my strength and support. So we go into 2023 with a positive outlook. 2023 will be the year of fun, love and endless support for Tilly from the people who love her the most. And 2023 will be the year that we take back control from the toxic people who ruined the end of 2022 and caused the downward spiral of Tilly’s mental health problems.

2023 is the year we are going to travel again. Not just a package holiday, we are going travelling in the summer. I have booked a month off work and we are getting an interrail ticket, then we will just travel. I also won an interrail ticket before Christmas for a week of travelling, so we will take a week to travel at Easter too. We will travel like we did before Covid. 2023 is the year I will watch my child grow in confidence with the support of those that love her the most. This year I will not fail my child.

2023 will see a happier Tilly in our life and hopefully working towards leaving that anxiety behind. Although she has lived with it for 6 years already. But it has never been this bad before.

2023 will be our year to conquer!